Love Remains The Same
by sexxxybitch69
Summary: This story is the ishhhhh.
1. An Unexpected Announcement

Background: Acasia Black hasn't seen her cousin Jacob Black in 5 years. So what happens when they meet again, at the Black Lagoon?

**Jacob's POV**:

"Jake, do you mind keeping Acasia company? You know how boring these family reunions at the Black Lagoon can be. And I mean, you haven't seen here in a while," My dad says as he rolls into my room without asking.

I quickly threw the covers over myself. Damn disabled dumbass, I was getting some from my right hand, nawmeen?

"SHUT UP YOU DAMN CRIPPLE. I hate these effin family reunions sawooop. I gotta kick it with my niggaz tonight. You know we always roll out to Port Angeles library on Monday nights, beeytoch!" I holla-ed.

"Jacob Ladanian Black, you have been so rude ever since you started hanging out with those Bloods! And you are coming to this family reunion no matter what, " the dumb bitch said.

"Fine, but there better be some fiyyyne bitches there. Or else I'm rolling out and having Tayshaun pick me up in the lowrida," I said.

That seemed to satisfy him, and he said, "Okay, pack your things and we're gonna leave in 20 minutes."

DAMN, we were supposed to hit up the honeys at the library tonight. I heard Tayshaun was bringing his baby momma's best friend's cousin, Laqueshia. That girl has got an ass you can serve dinner on, SON! Plus, I didn't want to keep that bitch Acasia company. The last time we met, she stepped on my Red Chucks! That can really scar a 12 year old, ya dig?

I grabbed my Care Bears duffel bag and put my shit in there. I packed this month's issue of Husta, some lube, some flavored condoms (incase there were hot mommas there), and I made sure my "3am booty playlist" was on my ipod. Oh yeah, and I put my new wifebeaters and Air Jordans in there too. Gotta look fresh for the hoes, ya know?

"Jake, you done? I'll meet you in the car."

"Ay yo nigga you can't drive! You're disabled! Let me drive this time. Just duck when you see the honeys so that you don't cramp my style. Gotta have swag ya dig?" I screamed. My dad was such a style cramper sometimes. I told him to get rims on his wheelchair but he didn't listen to me.

Please review and tell me what you think so far =]


	2. Reunited And It Feels So Good

Jacob's POV:

"Jacob, watch where you're driving!" My dad screams in terror as I almost crashed into a deer. BIG FREAKING DEAL.

"Shut up nigga, and be grateful that I'm driving you and that I kept you alive! Want me to roll you off of a cliff?" I said angrily. Why does he have to be such a fucking pussy?

I opened the car door and walked out. I heard my dad screaming for me to get the wheelchair for him, but I didn't care. I had enough of his shit. He kept changing the station like he ran this ishhhh and he cramped my style when he yelled at me to go back in the car at the gas station when I was almost getting this hot MILF's number. Damn bitchass, he could crawl out of the car by himself.

"Jake! I haven't seen you in forever!" A fat lard said to me as it grabbed me in an embrace. I suddenly realized that manatee as my Aunt Andrea.

"Ummm, ayo go help the cripple out of the car and stop suffocating Jacob, you grizzly bear," I said, muffled. Ya, sometimes I refer to myself in third person. It makes me sound like ishhh.

"Oh my! Where is this attitude coming from, young man? Well, go inside with your cousins, I'll go help your father," The manatee said as it looked at me with dissaproval.

"Aight thanks, dueces. I'm heading inside, bitch," I replied as I swung my duffel over my shoulder and opened the door.

"Supppp my niggaz! Jacob is in the hizzouse!" I exclaimed as I headed in the door. Tayshaun said it was always good to make a scene so that the honeys will notice as you head in.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this fine ass dyme wearing a pair of booty shorts and a tube top. This will be easy, I bet I'll have that lil mama screaming my name by the end of the hour. I slicked my hair back and headed over to her.

"Sup mamacita? I'm Jacob, so that you know what to scream in bed tonight," I told her with a wink as I sat next to her on the couch.

"Jakey? It's me, Acasia!" She said in surprise.

Wait, Acasia? My fugly cousin who used to have braces and a unibrow? The ugly ass bitch who tried hitting up my boy Sam Uley once?

"Daaaaaaaaam girl, what happened to you? At least you got rid of those braces. Come on ma, let's head out of here and talk in private somewhere," I said with a wink.

"JACOB, I'm your cousin! What's wrong with you? And when did you start talking like that and wearing those plain white tees with your pants down like that?" Acasia told me with disgust in her voice as she tried to scoot away.

"Dang bitch, why you all up in my bizznazz? I don't care if you're my momma, I'd do you anytime. Who cares if we're related, nobody gotta know!" I said suavely.

Acasia sighed and shook her head. Suddenly, the damn cripple rolled over and cockblocked me.

"Jacob, Acasia, I see you two kids have met! Why don't you go up to Acasia's room and catch up? It's been a while since we've been to the Black Lagoon, and you cousins should spend some quality time together," He said with a smile.

"Damn, we do we call this place the Black Lagoon again? I ain't seein no loch ness monsters or nothin," I asked as I got up.

"It's because it's right by the lake, the Black Lagoon," Acasia said patiently as she got up to stand next to me.

"Wow you educated huh? Can you teach me a lil somethin somethin later tonight babygirl?" I asked as I put my arm on her shoulder.

My dad smiled, "Awww, you kids are getting along already! Alright, bring these strawberries and whipped cream up there too incase you guys get hungry," he said as he rolled into the kitchen.

"Aight shawtay, you heard the man. Let's bounce!"


	3. A Dangerous Rendevous

We finally made it to Acasia's bedroom. I locked the door and said to her with a sly smile, "So…what do you wanna do?"

"I don't know, but I'll go put on some music," she said as she sashayed over to her boombox and turned on the radio. Damn, that girl has a juicy booty on her!

"Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me….." Pretty Ricky was on the radio. Perfect! Mood music for my mood.

"Wanna sit down on my bed?" Acasia asked as she made room for me next to her.

"Damn right I do, ma!" I said as I belly flopped and laid next to her.

I stared at her for a second and I knew she wanted me too. She gave me a seductive smile as she put her hand on my buff chest. Good thing I hit the gym last night with Tayshaun!

"Girl, you ain't gotta play hard to get. Just give me what I need and I'll satisfy you!" I let her know.

"Well, in that case, I'll just lie here and you can do whatever you want to me," she said as she took off all her clothes.

"WHY'D YOU DO THAT FOR, BITCH? I wanted to rip them off with my teeth!" I screamed as I got out the handcuffs and chained that hoe to the headboard.

She hesitated a bit as I got on her naked body. "Jake…I don't know. We're cousins…"

I slapped her upside the head and exclaimed, "Shut up you 25 cent hoe! You ain't that sexy anyways, you should be lucky I wanna be on you. Don't make me Chris Brown on your ass!"

She quieted down and then smiled, "Ohhh, I like em fiestyyyyy……….."

"Girl don't be frontin like you a G! Just shut your ass up and look hot while I get the video camera out," I said as I rummaged through my Care Bear duffel and got out the video camera I stole from Bella. That's right, now you know why her nudes are on the internet! I set the camera on her make up table and pressed play.

"Aight niggaz, this be your boy Jakizzle, and me and my hoe are gonna make a sex tape. Please subscribe to my youtube channel and hit me up if you gots any requests for future ones! 714-904-3288!" I said as I took off all of my clothes and pounced on the bed.

"Alright…lights, camera, WEREWOLF ACTON!"


	4. Things Heat Up

"Say my name, bitch, say my name! Keep rockin that bed, girl!" I screamed in pleasure as I laid down the pipe.

"Ohhhh, Jacob, you're so big!" she said in surprise as I put it in her.

"Damn right, ma! This is the king cobra right here. That's the way I like it, uhhhhhhhhhhh…."

"JACOB! OH JACOB…..Go harder!"

I slapped her across the face. "Woman, don't tell me what to do! The Jake Master does what he wants. You ain't my momma!"

She silenty whimpered and laid back down. "Good girl, now tell daddy you liked it!"

"Daddy, I ain't gotta tell you I like it. You can tell by the way I'm screamin like this!" She said in her sexiest voice. And you know what, she didn't even sound that sexy. She reminded me of my dad when he talked to his guinea pigs.

"Give it to me, give it to me nowwwwww…." I moaned as I turned to the camera and winked. Gotta give them my good side, give the people what they want.

I kinda liked Acasia now. She was aight in bed, almost as good as that one time I did it with Edward's sister in the kitchen while his mom was showering and he was recording. Those vampires know how to make a brotha satisfied. Acasia was trying too hard, and her screaming sounded like a cat meowing. At least her rack was nice and distracted from her bad moaning.

"Jacob….am I doing okay? Am I as good as I'm supposed to be?" Acasia asked.

"Nope, and you're wasting my memory card space on my camera. I'm outta here, you can get those handcuffs off yourself!" I said as I suddenly realized my cousin sucked in bed. Damn, my left hand was better than her!

I got up and put my clothes on and put my camera away. I headed down the stairs and bumped into my dad.

"Jake, where are you going?" the retard in the wheelchair asked me as I stormed out the door.

"Damn bitch, don't be all up on my grill! Tayshaun's gonna pick me up now. There aren't any fine ladies here, I'm leavin. I'll be back for dinner. BETTER MAKE STEAK!" I yelled as I showed him who was boss.


	5. Author's Note

Hey everyone, it's Alexa! This is my first story, and I'm never really on much,

but please review it and give me some feedback! Or text me at:

714-904-3288 .

Oh, and this is how Acasia Black looks (she's a character in the story.)

.


	6. Working Out a Deal

"Ayo nigga, thanks for picking my ass up. That reunion was not the ishhh, ya feel me?" I said to Tayshaun as I hopped into his whip.

Tay reached over and stroked my package. "Ya, I feel ya…."

"BITCH, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF JACOB! My body is a temple for the ladies, and visiting hours are closed!"

Tayshaun sighed, "You know what, homie? I ain't got any in 1 hour! Gotta feel for a brotha, nawmeen? Either you give me your werewolfy goods, or I drop your ass and you're walking back to that reunion!"

"H-E double hockey sticks no you ain't gonna do that!"

He stopped on the side of the road and pushed me out. "Watch me!"

"Nawwww, homes, you can't do that to a playa! Come on we can work something out. There's enough of the Jake Machine for everyone!"

Tay motioned for me to come back in. I sat down confidently, since ya know, can't really blame him for wanting me. I make them straight boys go gay. For a while. Tayshaun leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"Reach down here and take me to third base, and I'll take you wherever you wanna go!"

"DAMN RIGHT BRO! Gotta buy me some dinner first. I'm feelin like a lil Burger King right now?"

Tayshaun scowled and turned on the radio to avoid talking to me.

"_You spin my head right round, right round. When you go down, when you go down, down!"_

"Ay, um, I'll change that ishhhh," I said as I switched the station. I wasn't ready to be raped in a car. Cuz ya know, the Jake Master gots too much ishhh he still gotta do! Like to throw my dad into a jacuzzi with his clothes on. Or bang a cat. I wonder how that would feel like! Man, I could feel myself getting hard just thinking about it. The cat part, not my damn crippled dad.

"_Forget about your boyfriend, meet me at the hotel room. You can bring your girlfriends…"_

"DANG, is there nothing good on this damn radio? Gotta keep changing this ishhhh it's tiring Jacob out!" I yelled as I switched it for the last time. My left hand was still tired from the shower this morning.

"_You're on the phone with your girlfriend she's upset…"_

"Hell yeah! Uh huh, that's my shit! Taylor Swift's got it goin on!" I yelled a little too loudly as Tayshaun looked over at me.

"Don't be lookin at me like you know me, nigga! This is my anthem right here," I said as we pulled up to Burger King.


	7. An Uncomfortable Meal

"Uhhhhh…can I get a BK's Kids Meal? And make sure they have that Hello Kitty toy in there!" I ordered.

"Sup mama? Can I get a Whopper with no mayo. Cuz I love eating meat, but not the white stuff!" Tay said.

We went to sit down at a table. I made sure to scoot wayyyy over in my seat. Can't risk Tay feelin up on me. That would just ruin my Kid's Meal.

"Look, Jake, I ain't gay or nothin…I was just thinking about it and I think I swing both ways," Tayshaun explained.

"WAIT, so you mean all those times we changed together in the locker room you were secretly checking me out? And that one time you offered to put sunblock on my ass when we went skinny dipping with the vampires? I feel so violated!"

"Alright, Jacob, but I made it to obvious! I always hoped for US!" Tay told me desperately.

"WTF bro, you gots a kid and a babymomma, you be telling me you want me now? Plus, you get more booty than a toilet seat!" I screamed.

"Ay, Jakey, don't make a scene. I still like pussy, I just wanted to try dick out."

"Why does it got to be mine? Look, I know you can't resist the Jakester, but still, COME ON! What about Seth Clearwater? Or Sam?"

"I tried hitting on Seth, but he's too young for me…Sam already has Emily. I suggested a threesome, but they said no!"

I looked at him disturbed. Damn, me and my smoking hot looks!

"Aight, well, whatever. Let's roll out now!"


	8. All By Myself

"Jake, I think you promised me something…." Tayshaun said as he pulled over to a dark alley as he turned on the radio.

"_It's your birthday and I know you wanna riiiiide out, even if we only go to myyyyy houuuuse…"_

Dark alley, seductive voice, mood music? SHIT, I WAS GONNA GET RAPED!

"Now, now, Tay, we ain't gotta do this. Remember that we're amigos!"

"But Jacob, we had a deal, and you're a werewolf of your word, aight?"

"FUCK NO, I ain't gonna do this ishhhh! I'm calling my pops!" I screamed as he jumped on top of me.

He pulled down my pants and stroked my king cobra. He grabbed my hand and put it into his pants. I tried not to enjoy it, but action is action, I guess.

It only lasted for about 2 minutes, and I was kinda dissapointed when it ended. Tay was back to his normal self as we drove to the library.

"Ayy, um, that was uh, ain't so bad." I told him.

"Oh ishhh! I see the bootycalls right there! Let's go get some tailfeather!" He said, leaving me in the car.

"TAYSHAUN! You ain't gonna talk about it? Like nothing happened between us?"

He gave me a quizzical look like I just told him I was UGLY. And we all know I ain't.

"Whatcha talking about, Willis? I mean, Jacob. Look, you can stay in the car all night, but I'm gonna head out and get me some tonight, aight?" And with that he left.

I sighed and turned on the radio to lighten my mood. Instead I found…

"_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend…"_

I gotta feelin that tonight's gonna be a long night.


	9. Text Message

Damn beeyotch, now what was I gonna do? Jacob was too sexy to just sit here in this car by his sexy self. Time to hit up some honeys of my own. I sent out a massive text message to all the mamacitas in my phonebook.

"Sup ma? It's your boy Jakizzle. Hit me up if you want to get down and dirty tonight. You know you want me."

I sat there and waited. Suddenly, my text message bell went off. Aha, a text already! I knew the ladies couldn't resist the Jakesters.

"Jacob Ladanian Black, what does getting down and dirty mean?" SHIT, I ACCIDENTLY SENT IT TO THE CRIPPLE IN THE WHEELCHAIR!

"Nothing old man, now never text me again. I know where you live," I texted my dad back. That oughta teach him not to text me and waste my unlimited texting anymore!

"Yo Jake, down for a wolf pack bang at my place tonight? I got the bootycalls." It was my homeboy Paul! I knew that nigga would come through and help a brotha out with his needs.

"Hell yeah I do, breezy! I'll phase and head there right now. See ya in a bit sawoooop," I replied.

Suddenly I saw Tayshaun walking out of the library with a shawtay on each arm. Efff that ishhh, I was getting some REAL booty meat tonight. I hopped out of his ghetto ass whip and told that playa hater what was up.

"Look, Tay, the Jake Machine is heading out of this joint. See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!"

"Damn Jacob, no need to get loud!" Tayshaun said as he stepped towards me.

"Mofo you ain't got nothin on me! I'd go coastal on your ugly ass but I got some fiyynee chicas to tap so sawoooop deuces I'm out catcha ya later on the flipside!"


	10. Party in La Push

"Sup my werewolves the Jake Man is here to run La Push tonight!" I said as I walked into Paul's house. I haven't been here in a while. I ditched the pack's lame asses when I became a Blood. But they ain't gotta know that I think they're lame. As long as I was getting some pussayyyy tonight everything will be good in the hood. Like E-40 I was trying to get to that monkey.

"Damn Jacob, where you been, bro?" Jared said as he came over to show me some love.

Bro? Dang, I forgot how lame these wolves were. Gotta put some ghetto flava in their lives or something cuz they can't be goin around talkin like a bunch of ruh-tards.

"Ummm I've been around, son, nawmeen?" I answered as I got out of his hug. I wasn't in the mood to get man-handled twice in one night.

I glanced around the room at my ex brothas from another mothas. We used to be so tight before I became a G. Sitting around watching Sailor Moon and sippin on those Juicy Juice juice boxes. Man those were the days. Sometimes we played Pokemon when we were feelin real adventurous.

"Yo what it do Paul Wall? Where are the ladies at?" I asked Paul as I walked over to him on the couch where he was making out with some new girl. Wait, Paul imprinted?

"Ay man, you imprinted? Congrats, breezy!"

Paul stopped making out with his chick and said, "Dude Jacob, things have changed since you left the pack. Nobody imprints anymore, that's for pussies. We just go around getting random bootycalls. This right here is my girl, Lil Dreamer."

I nodded at the chola with drawn on eye brows and the Baby Phat tube top named Lil Dreamer sitting next to Paul.

"Jakey, is that really you, dawg?" Embry exclaimed as he came over and slapped me on the shoulder.

"Can it, dumbass! It's the Jake Master now. Jakey sounds like a pansy name."

Embry looked embarrass and apologized. Standing next to him was an Asian Baby Girl with really poofy teased blonde hair, lots of make up, a fake Louis V purse, and layers of fake eyelashes.

"Who's your mail order bride?" I inquired.

"SHE'S NOT A MAIL ODER BRIDE, LOSER! She's my baby's momma, Ling Ling."

"Oh, what it do Ling Ling?" WTF, since when did Embry have a baby? And an apparent case of yellow fever.

"No need to get loud! What next, Emb? Are you gonna tell me Quil finally let go of Claire and got a girl too?"

"Damn right I did, my negro!" Quil yelled as he came up to me with a bootylicious ghetto girl next to him. DAAAAAAAAMN SHE GOT A DONK ON HER!

"This be my boo, Sharonda. I met her at a jerking competition in Compton," Quil explained.

I could almost feel myself tearing up. WOW, Quil, out of all people finally got a real girl. And one who knew how to jerk. He made me so proud.

"EFFFF yeah, that's my boy, Quil!" I said as I high fived him.

Paul walked out of the kitchen holding a bottle of Grey Goose.

TIME TO GET LOOSE ON THE GOOSE, SON!


	11. Blame It on the Goose

"SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!" we all said as Sharonda took body shots off of Lil Dreamer.

"That's my girl!" Quil said proudly.

"Shut up mofo, I ain't your property!" Sharonda said as she paused for a second to kick him in the throat. Good thing he was a strong werewolf.

This party was happenin breezy! Ling Ling and this hot momma wearing shorts with the word "JUICY BOOTY" were dancing on top of the coffee table. Ling Ling's extensions fell off and whacked Embry in the eye, and he put it back in her hair for her. Man, that nigga was pussy whipped!

"Ayo, Jared, is that your main squeeze with the donkey with a monkey next to Ling Ling?" I asked. PLEASE SAY NO, BECAUSE I WANNA TAP THAT ISH!

"Ummm…that's SETH. But we call him Beth now. He turned gay after he saw Bruno," Jared explain as he shook his thang to the song on his laptop.

"EWWWW NO WONDER HE TRIED GRINDING NEXT TO ME AT PROM!"

"You mean she?"

"Whatever, negro, I'm too drunk to understand!" I screamed. Suddenly I felt the buzz growing stronger and I felt the urge to jump on top of the kitchen counter.

"I DON'T NEED NO LOVE ALL I NEED IS THE DJ! She got me outta control, out of control. Fellas you like that monkey, monkey!" I exclaimed as I grinded on the microwave. Mhmm, so warm and metallic.

"BITCH, I only got one microwave ya know!" Paul yelled as he tried to pull me off.

"Stop being a cock blocker, pussy ass nigga I'll bust a cap on yo ass!" Who the eff was he to tell Jacob to get off of the counter?

Sharonda shook the bottle of Grey Goose and sprayed it on top of everyone.

"Make it rain, make it rain on them hoes!" Embry said as he ran to drink it. Instead, he accidently swallowed one of Ling Ling's fake eyelashes that fell off.

"Who you callin a hoe, HOE?" Sharonda said as she got off and got all up in Embry's space.

"Yo, Embreezy, go Chris Beat Her Down on her ass!" I said as I hopped off of the counter. I haven't seen a good fight since yesterday at the supermarket when my dad rolled over the preacher's toe.

Sharonda cracked the bottle on top of Embry's head as he stepped towards her. Quil came over and pulled her off.

"Sorry bro, she hasn't gone to anger management classes today…"

"It's all good in the hood!" Embry yelled. I guess he was drunk too….

"Hey guys, where's Leah?" I asked. Where was that ugly ass bitch? I haven't had a chance to make fun of her blubber yet.

"Oh, my sister ain't got it goin on like me. She only drank 52 shots. PUSSY!" Seth, UM Beth said as he-she hopped off the table, hobbling on his/her's stilettos.

Suddenly, Get Low by Lil Jon started playing.

"UH HUH, THAT'S MY SHIT!" Time to get this party started, muthafuckas!


	12. Shake It Like a Saltshaker

"WHOOOOO! I got that boom boom pow, them chicks is jockin my style!"

Shiiiiit, I was so effin drunk right now I would even bang that bitter fat ass Leah if she walked in right now. Man, I really missed hanging with the pack.

Everyone was having fun and doing their own thang right now. Ling Ling was giving Embry a lap dance, Lil Dreamer and Paul were grinding on top of the coffee table, and Sharonda was sliding down the strip pole that Paul installed in the living room while Jared and Quil threw some ones at her.

"So, Jacob, do you have a special girl right now, babyboy? Or do you want some Beth loving in your life?" Seth, UMMM Beth, said as he-she scooted over closer to me on the carpet.

"Damn hoe, don't be getting all up on me I don't want any of that! Go hit on Jared!" I said as I got up.

Hmmm, wonder where Sam and his deformed looking hoe, Emily, were?

"Hey, Jare-bear, where's Sam-bam?" I asked as I sat next to him on the other couch.

"Uh, Sam and Emily are Mormons now. They don't do this ish anymore," Jared explained.

"And how about Kim? Are you and that lil mama still together?"

Jared sighed and shook his head. "Nawww, man, we broke up after she made that sex tape with Ray J."

Uhhhh okay…Better leave him alone to be all sad and emo by his lame ass self. Jacob got better ish to do. I got up and went back on top of the counter and danced to Shake by the Ying Yang Twins. Embry got on top and joined me.

"Yeah, Jacob, let me see that tootsie roll! Yeah Jake, work it out now!" The drunk dumb ass said as he tried to shake his thang faster to steal the spot light from me.

BEEYOTCH, only the Jakesters can shake his skittles on this counter! Go dance with your chinky Panda Express hoe!" I said as I shoved him off the counter.

Man, I was really feelin it now. I shaking it real fast on top of the counter and dropping like it was hot.

"GO JACOB, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! We gonna party like it's your birthday! Have bacardi like it's your birthday!"

Yeaaaaaaah breezy, my people were screaming for me now! Okay, it was only the pack and their hoes, but eff that this was great.


	13. Party Crashers

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

"Who the efff is banging on my door?" Paul asked as he reluctantly got off of Lil Dreamer to answer the door.

"Suppp my wolves?" IT WAS TAYSHAUN AND HIS BOOTYCALLS!

"Tay, WTF are you doing here, asshole?" I growled as I hopped off of the counter to come over and show that beeyotch what was up. Nobody crashes a wolf pack party except for Jacob!

"Chill it, Jakey boy. I heard you were going to a party so I decided to follow you to see if it was anything good. I brought some Patron…" Tay said as he motioned for hoe numero uno to his right to give Paul the bottle.

"Sa-weeeet! Anyone who brings Patron to a wolf pack bang is welcome to stay!" Paul said as he took the bottle from Tayshaun's cheap hoe. Hey, she looked kinda familiar…A bit like an ugly ass vampire I once knew…

"Hey, you're that dumb ass Edward's kid! I got drunk at your first birthday party, remember me?" I said as I came over to her.

"Yeah, I'm Nessie. I think I saw the video where you were rocking that thang on top of my dad's piano with my Aunt Alice," she said as she got out of Tay's grip and walked over to the couch with me.

"Wait, THAT tape?" Oh shit, how embarrassing for her to see my sex tape with her aunt!

"Yeah, you guys were having a booty shaking contest to Lolli Lolli by Three 6 Mafia," Nessie said.

PHEW, it wasn't THAT tape. Hmm, this Ness chick was kinda bangable in the dark, I 'spose. Wonder if she was wanting to give me some tonight. Yeah, of course she would, I was the Jake Machine.

"Uh yeah girl, you know how I drop it low, make it wiggle like jello. Listen, how bout you and me drop our clothes and go into the bathroom, nawwmeen?" Smooth, real smooth, Jake. Only a true playa playa like me could think of something so fast.

"AY MAN, that's my woman! Get your own!" Tayshaun screamed as he went over and tried to pull Nessie away from me.

"Negro, you got that other hoe, go bang her instead. Give me this one, yeah? I'll give you my Blue Eyes White Dragon Yu-gi-oh card…" I reasoned.

Tayshaun stepped back and thought for a second. "Yeah, aight, I guess that'll do. You two kids have fun. AND USE PROTECTION!"

I watched as Tayshaun walked back to booty call numero dos and made out with her. Nice, real nice, making out in front of the doorway, nigga.

I smiled as I scooted closer to Nessie, "So, girl, watcha say, huh? You know you wanna."

Ness nodded as she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom. SCOREEEEE!


	14. Locked and Screwed

"So, baby are you down down down down to get down with the Jake Machine?" I asked as that hoe Nessie and I finally got in the bathroom.

"Of course, Jacob," she replied as she scooted closer to me. DAMN, SHE SMELLED KINDY FUNKAAAAAY!

"Uh, yeah, go girl, you gonna shake them dice and roll em? Wanna take a ride on this disco stick?" Gotta make sure the rules are set before anyone gets an honor of being on this body, ya know.

"Like TI, it's whatever you like, baby!" Ness replied as she pounced on me.

"Yeeeeeeeah, baby, now let me see that g-string go down south!" I exclaimed as I got on that booty.

OH DAMN THIS GIRL SERIOUSLY SMELLED LIKE ISHHHH! I couldn't describe it, she smelled….

"Like an effin vampire!"

"Huh? What's up, daddy?" The stanky hoe said as she looked up at me.

"You smell like me after I got home from the gym, thasss wassup, babygirl! And don't be callin me daddy, Jacob right here is a 10, not an effin ugly vampire!" That's it, that beeyotch, crossed the line by degrading the Jake Master by calling him a vampire!

"What? No, I didn't say that! Don't leave, Jacob!" the desperate loser pleaded.

"DO NOT say the name of the Lord in vain! Look, shawtay, just because you got that super thang and you can pop it lock drop it doesn't mean you can be on me. I have class and standards, ya dig?" I told her as I walked out of the bathroom. Hell, might as well bolt the door shut and lock that smelly hoe in there too so she won't stank up the place.

"Jake, Jake, lemme out! PLEASE?" I heard her beg, but it don't mean a thang to me. There might not be a he-wolf in this closet, but there was a vampire in the bathroom, so I think that pretty much makes this party legit. ALL THANKS TO JACOB!

"Uhhh, deuces, Ness, have fun stanking up the bathroom in there by dumb self, stupid spawn of Edward!" I said as I locked the door for good and got back to the party.

"Somebody call 911! Jacob Black burning on the dance floor!"


	15. Let's Get Naked

"Booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere! Go rockin everywhere, rockin everywhere!" I said as I got my groove back on at the party. Gotta make up for the lost 5 minutes I spent locking that nastayyy smelling vampire in the bathroom, nawwwmeen?

"D-O double G and I'm here to put this ishhh on you!" I sang along to the Snoop Dogg song blasting.

"Yo, Jakizzle, where were you, son? You missed us making it rain like the weather channel!" Embry yelled all drunk and ish as he came over to me.

"You make it rain? Well I make it SNOW!!!!!" I said, "So that makes me better."

"Uhhh okay, well we're gonna go skinny dipping in the lake behind the house, ya down?" Emb asked.

Hmmm…a chance to make the rest of the pack cry once they see how sexy my body looks compared to them? Damn, the Jakesters could never pass up a chance to lower someone's self esteem!

"Course I'm down, Embreezy! Let me go get some push ups in and I'll meet you guys in the back." I wasn't just going to make them cry at the sight of this holy shrine, I was gonna make them weep!

After doing 2937489374837483 push ups, I decided that this was enough. I went out back and saw that the rest of the pack and their ladies were already naked and in the water.

"Whooo, this my show, watch me baby! Jacob Black is about to make all your dreams come true!"

"Hey, Jakey, just in time! Now rip off those clothes and get naked!" Quil yelled at me from in the lake.

"Shut up, you damn homo! You'd want to see me naked, wouldn't ya?"

"Ummm, yeah, that's the point of skinny dipping…" Quil replied.

"Well, do you wanna see this body or not?" I demanded angrily. I couldn't be letting them be in the holy presense of Jacob's naked body if they weren't appreciative.

"Dude, just get out of your clothes and hop in," Jared said to me.

I looked around to make sure that there weren't any video cameras, paparazzi, or ugly fat tween girls who could possibly be stalking me around. Couldn't have my goods on the internet for free! Nobody would be subscribing to my youtube anymore if they saw my nudes on myspace!

"Okay, coast is clear…." I said as I ripped off my clothes and hopped in the lake.

"MAKE ROOM FOR THE JAKE MASTER!"


	16. Ain't Gonna Tie Me Down

"So uh, I have an announcement to make…" Paul said as he looked around at all of us.

"AHA! I knew you were gay!" I exclaimed. Of course, of course. First Tayshaun wanting me, then Seth, UM Beth, and now Paul. Darn, me and my sexy naked body, of course he'd turn gay.

"Um, nah, no…"

"JUST ADMIT THAT YOU FIND ME HOT, damn beeyotch!" Stupid Paul, just get that he-wolf out of the closet already. The more time he spent talking, the less time everybody would spend admiring my scrumptious nakedness.

"But Lil Dreamer and I are gonna get married…." he continued.

"Wow, congrats, Paul! Why didn't you tell us earlier?" Quil asked.

"Well, we were gonna do it later, but then Lil Dreamer doesn't want to be deported back to Mexico and she needs her green card so we thought we'd do it now," he explained.

"WTF man? I thought this whole love ishhh was for pussies? Now you're telling me you want to be tied down to a strawberry picking border hopper?" I yelled. It was people like him that gave us werewolves a bad name, ya dig?

"Kieta stupido elephante!" Lil Dreamer screamed at me from across the lake.

"Sorry I don't speak RUH-TARD, but I'm sure you understand that you're ruining Paul's life by asking him to marry your ass, GATO! And you know what else…CALLE OCHO!" I'm glad I learned important shit from Spanish class. Those three years of Spanish 1 really paid off after all. Okay, actually the last part was the title of a Pitbull song, but I'm sure it was something insulting.

"Um, gato means cat…." Embry said.

"Yeah? Well you know what's Spanish for UGLY ASS NIGGA? Embry!" That oughta show him not to correct the Jakesters! Besides, Spanish class was my period for practicing my gripping exercises for stroking my cobra later. Maybe that's why I failed 3 years in a row, but I choose to think that the teacher just wanted to see my sexy face all the time.

"Awww, come on, Jake, can't you just be happy for me?" Paul pleaded.

I thought for a moment. What good would come out of Paul being married, besides the fact that he would no longer be free to molest me (because we all know that he must think about it once in a while)? HMMMMM…wait, I have an idea!

"Hey, since you're getting married, we should throw you a bachelor party!" I said. How could anyone refuse getting some booty and taking shots?

"Hm, I guess you're right, Jacob. A bachelor party would be fun…Is that ok with you, Lil Dreamer?"

"What? Are you her bitch now? No more Mr. Independent?" I asked. Wow, I'm sure glad I had no woman to tie me down. Effff true love, all I needed was a bottle of Patron and a sexy bitch for the night and I'm all good to go.

I was dissapointed when the dirty taco eating hoe ignored me and answered Paul, "Yaaaa, sure papi, me and the chicas will have a bachelorette party here and you and the vatos can go somewhere else."

"Excuuuuuuuuse me, gato, but what happens if the vatos want to party here at the casa?"

"Ayos mio! Stop using the word gato incorrectly, dumbass!"

I thought for a second. Hmm, I wonder what this "dumbass" word was. Spanish was so complicated. She was probably just calling me sexy or something.

"Thanks for the compliment, Lil Dreamer. Anyways, men, I've got the perfect place for this bachelor party! Now follow the Jake Master and let's get crazy tonight!"


	17. Tryna Catch Me Riding Dirty

"GO GO POWER RANGERS!" I said as we all hopped into my lowrida. "Hot people in the front, ugly bitches in the back!" Of course, that meant that I would have to be driving in the front.

"Hey, Embry, you're not a hot person! Get your non-existent ass in the back seat, foo!" I yelled.

"Awww come on Jake, it's full back there with Jared, Paul, and Quil already…"

"Fine, but your ugly ass better not ruin my swag!" Man, I was such a nice considerate person. Why couldn't there be more people like me in the world? Oh wait, because the earth would melt with so much hotness on it.

"Ay, where'd Tayshaun go?" I asked the wolves as we pulled out of the driveway and started off on our adventure.

"Oh, his 545458th baby momma just gave birth to another kid so he had to bounce," Embry explained.

The hoes, UM I mean ladies (including Beth/Seth and Leah, but I'm not sure if Leah really counts as a girl) were staying at the house and doing some street racing. Sharonda managed to hotwire a Lambo and Ling Ling's brother was one of those Asians who raced cars in Tokyo like in Tokyo Drift, so they were working with some pretty legit cars. I was almost sad I would have to miss out on the fun. Then I remembered that I had needs, like getting booty meat, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna get any back at that bachorette party, nawmeen?

"So, Jacob, where are we going?" Paul asked from the back.

"NEGRO, speak only when spoken to when you're in the Jake Master's car!"

"Oh uh sorry…"

"Fine, since I'm feeling nice today, I'll tell you. We're heading to somewhere very nice, classy, and exclusive, so you guys better not push your luck!"

I turned on the radio to avoid talking to the losers. I was practically losing brain cells from talking to those dumb wolves. An educated person like myself needed to listen to some smart music to enlighten myself again.

"_Lolli, lolli, let me see you pop that body!"_

YEAH! That was more like it.

"Well, here we are, guys!" I said as we arrived at our destination.


End file.
